Many of us will be sitting around a table with family members tomorrow. And for many of us, this can a stressful and triggering event. Family members may have differing views or opinions than you. Maybe they make a comment on how much food is on your plate or the weight you’ve gained this past year. Perhaps you are at the table with your partner and your family has something to say about why you’re not married or have children. No matter what the comment may be, sitting in forced proximity to toxic family members can be a mine field of triggers. So how do we navigate this? 

First it is important to know your triggers. Be choosy when it comes to the activities, engagements or conversations that may bring forth painful memories or can drain you. It is ok to walk away from a person or a conversation that can potentially push you over the edge. 

Second, be wary of the level of engagement you give people who deplete your energy. Not every comment or look calls for a verbal response. It can feel good in the moment to fire back a spicy retort, but this can further drain you and cause an escalation in conflict. Simply walking away and not taking the bait can speak volumes itself. 

Third, prepare your responses ahead of time. If a comment does warrant a verbal reaction, have on deck a handful of responses that can shut the conversation down without giving into someone’s negativity. “That’s not up for discussion” or “I’m sorry you don’t like my choice but I stand by it” and a time old favorite, “If you continue to bring this up, I will not participate in the conversation”. 

Fourth, have an exit strategy. I love to suggest to clients who arrive at triggering events with a partner to have a safe word chosen beforehand. If things get out of hand or your nerves are frayed, having an agreed upon safe word or exit strategy with your partner can help you get out of there quickly and safely. If you’re there on your own, even easier. Have an excuse in your mind ahead of time to help you get out of a situation that is not serving your mental health. Do not push yourself to stay in a situation longer than you can stand to please others.

Fifth and finally, be sure to spend time with those that love, support, encourage and fulfill you. Family is not just blood relatives but the family that you’ve created. Choosing your found family over blood family is not something to feel badly for. Do not spend your time with those who drain you but those who fill your cup. 

This holiday season remember that it is ok to say “no” to situations or family parties that bring you no joy or peace. It is ok to choose to surround yourself with loving energy of those who care for you. Your mental and emotional health deserves to be cared for even during the holidays.