Ambiguous grief is a concept that I had not been familiar with until a client I had was telling me about her relationship with her estranged daughter. She stated to me “I feel like I’m mourning, but she’s still alive”. So I did some digging and was amazed to find that this was indeed a theory that was already recognized. Ambiguous grief (or ambiguous loss) at it’s core, is all about the lack of a resolution. When we lose someone to disease or a tragic accident, we go through the process of saying goodbye to this person. We process their death and go through the ceremonial processes of remembering them and their life. But when someone we love and had in our life becomes estranged to us, there is no closure. Closure is an important part of our grief process. It provides us with a way to process what has happened.
There are two categories of ambiguous loss. Type-one ambiguous loss occurs when there is a physical loss. This is where a loved one goes missing, where there is a physical absence with a psychological presence. When someone you love is physically absent under unknown circumstances (i.e. deportation, natural disaster, or kidnapping). It can also come in the form of a loss of contact. These circumstances can include, divorce or estrangement. The person was who was once in our life and is now gone, leaving you without answers.
Type-two ambiguous loss explains a mental or emotional disappearance. When someone’s personality has changed to a point where they no longer look like a person you once knew. Your loved once is present but they’ve changed emotionally or cognitively (sometimes both). Some examples of type-two ambiguous grief can be, Alzheimer’s disease, traumatic brain injury, addiction, or mental illness.
Ambiguous loss can be especially difficult and terrifying. But there are ways to cope with this type of loss and grief. The stages of grief will look differently than traditional stages of grief.
1. Name What You’re Going Through- this can be a tough feeling to name. But now that you have a way to describe what you’re experiencing, put a label on it so you can begin the healing process.
2. Work Towards Acceptance- this will not be the same as closure. When we are not able to find closure through ambiguous grief, acceptance can help you to make peace with the new reality.
3. Reach out for Support- find a family member, friend, or someone who has gone through something similar. It can be surprising to find that many people can be experiencing similar things to you.
4. Look for Silver Linings- this is not the same concept of toxic positivity (something we’ll explore at a later post). Instead of looking for the silver linings, look for what has come your way. New friendships, new causes, new chances for personal growth.
5. Be Kind to Yourself- give yourself grace and compassion as you work through your grief. These are challenging emotions and no timeline to work through them. Give yourself the space and time to do so.
Ambiguous grief or loss is a challenging and tricky road to travel down. Remember to reach out to a therapist who specializes in grief that can help you through the loss.
What Ambiguous Loss Is and How To Deal With It. (2022, February 17). Cleveland Clinic. Retrieved May 23, 2022, from https://health.clevelandclinic.org/ambiguous-loss-and-grief/