It's the first of November. I woke up in the early hours of the morning and caught sight of the very first pink edges of the sunrise. I was restless but didn't want to climb out of my cozy, warm covers and start the day.
As the sky slowly took on the glow of the day, the pink became more intense and spread further along the horizon. For the next ten minutes or so, I watched the colors stain the sky with increasing intensity, taking my breath away.
I must have drifted off because the next thing I knew, I was looking at a pale blue sky with subtle pink tones at the edges and fluffy white clouds. The intensity was suddenly gone, leaving a mellow washed-out blue in its wake.
It occurred to me that this is somewhat like grief, especially during the holiday season. Halloween comes and goes, and before we know it, all the other holidays march in, building in intensity until we make it through the New Year. At that point, we can pause and catch our breath, but often feel washed out and lacking color.
The winter holidays have been like this for me for many years now. Several years ago, I decided to find a new way to respond to the holidays. A way that could honor my grief and still allow me to enjoy some of the festive spirit. I've learned that it's important to follow my own timeline with my grief and create safe spaces when I need to spend time with my memories. In my quest to honor both grief and holiday spirit, I read many books and blogs, listened to podcasts, asked friends who had experienced grief, and prayed. Here are some of the things that I found helpful, and I hope they help you as well.
I begin the season at the beginning of November by identifying my true North. I spend a little time thinking about what I most want from this season. When my kids were younger, it was about providing them with experiences and traditions that I wanted to honor. Now that they are older and have jobs and lives that don't necessarily allow them to be in the same place, I have to choose based on their accessibility.
Last year, I wanted to focus on traditions long forgotten. I approached this with intentionality to avoid overwhelming myself. I set up experiences that I felt would truly add to the season. I asked a friend to go to a museum that I often visited with my family when I was little. My friend and I enjoyed a few hours looking at decorated trees from around the world and learning about their traditions. With lovely music playing in the background and lots of smiling families around us, I was able to honor an important memory from my childhood. I thought of my mom, who I lost in my twenties, almost the whole time. I thought of her in a way that allowed me to smile even while missing her presence. She loved this display and loved learning about the world around her, and in this way, she was very much a part of the day.
The second thing I longed for was a peaceful heart. In prior years, I had always scurried around trying to please everyone. I have learned that being more mindful and honoring my capacity to serve allows me to balance doing for others and providing myself time for reflection. I find that time spent reflecting on how I want to make my home a reflection of the memories that are important to me gives me time to cook old family recipes and hand write beautiful notes to people, which fills my heart with peace and joy. Whenever I experience judgmental thoughts, from myself or others, about skipping some activities to provide that reflection time, I use self-compassion to acknowledge that my grief must have a place in my life, and I am not alone in needing that. We are allowed to honor our grief in a way that feels best to us. The joy will also be there when we are ready for it, but ignoring the grief only gives it power, and the best way to welcome joy is to honor grief as needed. They can exist together, and when they do, we can feel peaceful and balanced.
Practicing mindfulness has also helped me stay on the right path to a heartwarming holiday season. Learning to allow myself to be focused on the moment and take the season one day at a time keeps me heading in the right direction. All year long, I ask myself the question, "What can I do to make today a good day?" During the holiday season, I modify that a bit and ask, "What can I do to put peace in my heart today?" I close my eyes and let the answer come to me, meditate, write, hike, or do random acts of kindness. Something always comes to mind.
I'm not trying to oversimplify what it's like to live with grief in the month of November. I hope that with intentionality, self-compassion, and mindfulness, you are able to create a way to interact with grief and allow yourself to embrace a path that will lead to a November filled with gentle reflections of your lost loved one, authentic expression of your pain, and connection to those who support and encourage you. I hope you can continue that practice into the new year and continue to create a path that honors you, your story, and your lost loved ones.
About The Author
Stacey O’Connell, LCPC is a Certified Bereavement Care Provider with a strong commitment to helping individuals navigate the complex and challenging journey of grief. She has undertaken an intensive four-day training program through The MISS Foundation, an international nonprofit organization dedicated to aiding parents who have experienced the loss of a child. Additionally, Stacey has completed advanced grief training offered by the Miss Foundation, which was facilitated by Dr. Joann Cacciatore, a leading expert in the field of Traumatic Grief.
In her role as a bereavement specialist, Stacey places a strong emphasis on honing her ability to connect with her clients at a profound level. Her goal is to be fully attuned to the unique ways in which her clients need to process their grief. Stacey firmly believes in the significance of offering a flexible and adaptable approach to grief support, utilizing a diverse range of approaches, tools, and environments to cater to each individual's needs. Her ultimate objective is to empower her clients to trust themselves in expressing their grief and articulating their needs, enabling them to integrate their grief and be present in their daily lives. Stacey's extensive training and dedication make her a valuable resource for those seeking compassionate and personalized bereavement care. Contact us now to book an appointment with Stacy.