The fourth trimester is defined as the twelve weeks following the birth of a baby. It is an intense 3 month period where both parents and their infant undergo numerous physical and emotional changes. New moms are commonly dealing with physical pain from the delivery, as well as an enormous drop in feel-good hormones. The new baby, although out of mom’s body, is still “gestating” and in most cases missing the womb. Unable to self-soothe, newborns are often fussy and needy when they are not asleep. Parents often feel sleep-deprived, stressed, and overwhelmed. Many also carry unrealistic expectations about what it takes to be an optimal parent for their child. Unsurprisingly tensions tend to rise in interpersonal relationships when individuals are not operating at their best and have so much pressure on themselves to be nothing short of perfect.   

“After having a baby, 2 out of 3 couples report decreased marital satisfaction.” John Gottman, PhD

 Research shows that the best predictor for relationship satisfaction post-baby is the idea of  “we-ness”. The 33% of couples who handled the postpartum period with higher marriage satisfaction viewed themselves as teammates.  In order to work as a team, these couples had established a relationship with trust, communication, and tolerance. They were able to put aside their individual needs temporarily to work towards the common goal of caring for their baby. These couples were better able to communicate with openness and transparency and made it a priority to check-in daily with one another. 

The couples that fared better post-pregnancy were not “perfect” by any means. They still had conflicts as all couples do. The difference was that these couples were better at repairing efficiently and effectively. They also communicated enough appreciation and fondness to each other so they were more resilient to their partner’s less than desirable moods. 

Society has created unrealistic expectations on what the postpartum journey "should" look like. Media often shows couples cuddling in bed (looking flawless) with a newborn baby sleeping soundly next to them. Real couples may have moments of this illusion but mostly are doing their best to survive one of the most transitional phases in their couplehood. 

So what's next...

If you are pregnant, just had a baby, or are trying to cope with life after kids, our specially trained couples therapists can teach you evidence-based strategies to increase your fondness and admiration, manage conflict and strengthen your overall connection. To schedule an appointment, Thrive Postpartum, Couples, and Family Therapists can be reached by text or phone at 224-698-9792. Alternatively, you can also schedule an appointment online. We look forward to hearing from you.