Mindfulness and self-compassion have become quite the buzz words in recent years. Used without careful consideration, they can lose their impact and hit the ear with the sugary sweetness of cotton candy and just about the same amount of nourishment.
Holiday season was in full swing. Cheery colors everywhere I looked, and holiday music blaring through competing speakers anytime I was in public. For many years now I have felt myself slip into various degrees of “grinchyness” as the holidays marched ever closer. Despite feeling that way, I went through the motions of putting up a tree, decorating the walls, and joining in festivities from late November through the new year. I painstakingly arranged elves, candles, wreaths, and platefuls of cookies. I wanted my kids to have the experiences, and I wanted my friends and neighbors to feel cared for and welcomed. No matter how much I tried to set my feelings aside and create the most memorable special holidays, I always felt like I fell short.
When we talk about turning toward grief, what we are talking about is deciding to respond to our grief in a way that allows us to acknowledge and interact with grief, and accept it over time. Time spent in self-reflection can allow us to develop a new way of relating to our needs that will allow us to integrate our grief and create room within ourselves to accommodate all of our emotions.
Many of us will be sitting around a table with family members tomorrow. And for many of us, this can a stressful and triggering event. Family members may have differing views or opinions than you. Maybe they make a comment on how much food is on your plate or the weight you’ve gained this past year. Perhaps you are at the table with your partner and your family has something to say about why you’re not married or have children. No matter what the comment may be, sitting in forced proximity to toxic family members can be a mine field of triggers. So how do we navigate this?
First it is important to know your triggers. Be choosy when it comes to the activities, engagements or conversations that may bring forth painful memories or can drain you. It is ok to walk away from a person or a conversation that can potentially push you over the edge.
Second, be wary of the level of engagement you give people who deplete your energy. Not every comment or look calls for a verbal response. It can feel good in the moment to fire back a spicy retort, but this can further drain you and cause an escalation in conflict. Simply walking away and not taking the bait can speak volumes itself.
Third, prepare your responses ahead of time. If a comment does warrant a verbal reaction, have on deck a handful of responses that can shut the conversation down without giving into someone’s negativity. “That’s not up for discussion” or “I’m sorry you don’t like my choice but I stand by it” and a time old favorite, “If you continue to bring this up, I will not participate in the conversation”.
Fourth, have an exit strategy. I love to suggest to clients who arrive at triggering events with a partner to have a safe word chosen beforehand. If things get out of hand or your nerves are frayed, having an agreed upon safe word or exit strategy with your partner can help you get out of there quickly and safely. If you’re there on your own, even easier. Have an excuse in your mind ahead of time to help you get out of a situation that is not serving your mental health. Do not push yourself to stay in a situation longer than you can stand to please others.
Fifth and finally, be sure to spend time with those that love, support, encourage and fulfill you. Family is not just blood relatives but the family that you’ve created. Choosing your found family over blood family is not something to feel badly for. Do not spend your time with those who drain you but those who fill your cup.
This holiday season remember that it is ok to say “no” to situations or family parties that bring you no joy or peace. It is ok to choose to surround yourself with loving energy of those who care for you. Your mental and emotional health deserves to be cared for even during the holidays.
Ambiguous grief is a concept that I had not been familiar with until a client I had was telling me about her relationship with her estranged daughter. She stated to me “I feel like I’m mourning, but she’s still alive”. So I did some digging and was amazed to find that this was indeed a theory that was already recognized. Ambiguous grief (or ambiguous loss) at it’s core, is all about the lack of a resolution. When we lose someone to disease or a tragic accident, we go through the process of saying goodbye to this person. We process their death and go through the ceremonial processes of remembering them and their life. But when someone we love and had in our life becomes estranged to us, there is no closure. Closure is an important part of our grief process. It provides us with a way to process what has happened.
There are two categories of ambiguous loss. Type-one ambiguous loss occurs when there is a physical loss. This is where a loved one goes missing, where there is a physical absence with a psychological presence. When someone you love is physically absent under unknown circumstances (i.e. deportation, natural disaster, or kidnapping). It can also come in the form of a loss of contact. These circumstances can include, divorce or estrangement. The person was who was once in our life and is now gone, leaving you without answers.
Type-two ambiguous loss explains a mental or emotional disappearance. When someone’s personality has changed to a point where they no longer look like a person you once knew. Your loved once is present but they’ve changed emotionally or cognitively (sometimes both). Some examples of type-two ambiguous grief can be, Alzheimer’s disease, traumatic brain injury, addiction, or mental illness.
Ambiguous loss can be especially difficult and terrifying. But there are ways to cope with this type of loss and grief. The stages of grief will look differently than traditional stages of grief.
1. Name What You’re Going Through- this can be a tough feeling to name. But now that you have a way to describe what you’re experiencing, put a label on it so you can begin the healing process.
2. Work Towards Acceptance- this will not be the same as closure. When we are not able to find closure through ambiguous grief, acceptance can help you to make peace with the new reality.
3. Reach out for Support- find a family member, friend, or someone who has gone through something similar. It can be surprising to find that many people can be experiencing similar things to you.
4. Look for Silver Linings- this is not the same concept of toxic positivity (something we’ll explore at a later post). Instead of looking for the silver linings, look for what has come your way. New friendships, new causes, new chances for personal growth.
5. Be Kind to Yourself- give yourself grace and compassion as you work through your grief. These are challenging emotions and no timeline to work through them. Give yourself the space and time to do so.
Ambiguous grief or loss is a challenging and tricky road to travel down. Remember to reach out to a therapist who specializes in grief that can help you through the loss.
What Ambiguous Loss Is and How To Deal With It. (2022, February 17). Cleveland Clinic. Retrieved May 23, 2022, from https://health.clevelandclinic.org/ambiguous-loss-and-grief/
